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When I depart from the velvety blackness of slumber, my whole home hurts.
The doorways hurt.
The curtains hurt.
The sagging window frame from which I listlessly loom under hurts.
I look out into the street.
People going about their lives.
Walking their dogs.
Riding their bikes.
Everyone has a place here.
Only I do not know where my place is.
For now it is under the window frame.
Adorned with paper ghost garlands.
I clothe myself.
I can no longer bend as I could when I was young.
My clothes hurt.
I itch and ache and stink of sweat.
My skin is infected.
I do not shower because I am afraid of the bathroom.
I am haunted by faces when I try to close my eyes.
Sometimes they sear their terrifying eyes into my mirror.
I do not like what I see, so I no longer look.
I do not know what my face looks like anymore.
My reflection hurts and it wants to hurt me.
My walk to work hurts.
The breeze hurts and so do the people passing by.
I turn my face from them, for I am ugly.

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from Love Is the Only Way Out, released July 6, 2022

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To Be Gentle Eugene, Oregon

Love is the only way out

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