You are not alone! We are atypical. Hypersensitivity of all things around us and it's worse when we are tired. So take the time to close yours eyes, breath and imagine that you are floating in the air and see all the land around the world that you want. I'm not far! :-) Big hug!
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I am reaching out to ask for help. I was watching a video by PBS and it said that most people do not feel the way I am feeling. A lot of people don’t feel suicidal and the small percentage of people who do experience suicidal thoughts at some point in their life only experience that maybe a few times. It said that if I feel like something is wrong, I should reach out.
I feel suicidal every day whether I am medicated or not. Every day I think about dying and how that will relinquish my pain. Ever since I can remember I have always fixated on my own death. I remember when we moved into the Wellington house, I was a small child. Perhaps not even 5 years old. I remember one of my first memories was being under the stairwell and thinking of how I could hang myself from it, with the word “death” ringing in my ears. People say that that is a bad way to solve a temporary problem. Or even a selfish way. I don’t really agree with that.
These feelings, these pains, these memories, and these hauntings are not temporary. They have been with me all of my existence. And they will continue to be with me for as long as I live. At what point do I have to sacrifice my joy and happiness for the sake of others’? I do not want to stay here alive for your sake, or anyone else’s. And that is not because I do not love you or myself, but rather I need salvation and peace, and ending my life is the only way I truly know I can escape all of this. I have felt moments of happiness, but I have not felt truly “happy” for a decade. Happiness, whether it’s a feeling or a choice, is not possible for me.
The moments that make life “worthwhile” are always fleeting. People say nothing is permanent. The only constant is suffering. And my suffering outweighs my desire to live every single time, every single moment.
I can tell I am slowly losing my sanity. Every day I can feel myself disconnecting from my brain, and my brain disconnecting from reality. For many months I have been haunted and stalked by numerous spirits, angels, and emissaries of various powers. The Devil lives in my room and desires to torture me. He draws his face into my mind’s eye and sends his emissaries to hunt me when I leave my room. I have been visited by other transdimensional entities as well, some calling themselves the “Emissaries of Peace”. They speak to me in ways and languages I cannot make sense of, but can understand through telepathy and mind-intruding impulses.
Although I know I am loved, I cannot feel it. Maybe I was born without the gene or chemical receptors in my brain to process that feeling. I know that the true love I need is awaiting me on the other side of this realm, where God is.
I am tired. I don’t have the energy or will to do anything about these inevitable and impending feelings. Nobody will do anything about it for me either. I don’t have the energy or hope to make appointments or meetings with health services. I find that it is all futile. I always feel hopeless.
I have been making plans to hang myself. I have done a lot of research and have found that this is the most effective, easy, and accessible way to end my life.
I am reaching out for help. The only part of my being that wants to live is the ancient, primal instincts to survive. The thought of leaving Cornelius alone rips me apart, however, I am trying to numb myself to that thought.
I’m at work right now, so I am safe for now. I hope you’re having a good night.
We hope to perform with this band one day. Some of the best to do it! There is something so special and unique that we find in their sound; it is perfectly satisfactory. To Be Gentle
